Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and people are ready to quench their thirst. By “people,” I mean me, and by “quench,” I mean I am ready to jump on anybody who looks at me for more than 30 seconds. Yes, no shame. I have been single for what feels like an eternity, and my only solace has been watching people in Korean drama get it on. So I am not lying when I say I know a lot about Korean drama kisses, okay? I have watched and re-watched lip-locking scenes more than what probably is deemed healthy. Like for an important exam, I have studied the techniques and ways of these magical people. When I finally get to be amongst the lucky few bitches in relationships, I know at least my lips will be ready. And just because I’m that generous, let me share with you a page in my kissing notebook…
THE LIP PRESS:
In K-drama, it’s the type of kiss fans loath the most because of the lack of emotions and ingenuity. That’s the kiss you go for when you don’t know a person like that, but you still want some human contact that doesn’t come from your friends and family. But you don’t know where their mouth’s been, don’t know if they brush their teeth three times a day like they’re supposed to, or if they have a propensity to eat other people’s booty. Guuuurl, you never know. So better be safe than sorry.
LE BACK HUG:
Although it does not involve the locking of lips, in K-drama the back hug is tantamount to a steamy night together. The back hug “boner” is introduced to us, avid fans, with much fanfare after weeks of noble idiotic sacrifices and rejections, eye rolling “missed” opportunities, and rivers of tears and pain. It marks the beginning of the romance, sometimes used to solidify romantic interest, and also serves as honey-potting the audience. It’s K-drama for “the good stuff is coming, so don’t leave us for another drama.” In real life, this may serve as a question to ask a love interest when their unmentionables are coming off.
The one where your lips are dry as fuck, but your partner goes in for the kiss with his crusty ass lips anyway. You keep moving your heads from side to side like two rusty robots, asking yourself, “Why the fuck did I not bring my lip balm with me?” If you pay enough attention, you can hear the last drop of moisture evaporate away, leaving you with nothing but salty lips and blisters. But at least it’s a good method of mutual exfoliation. In K-drama, fans get to witness these when one of the protagonists (usually the female actress) is underage, but the drama has a more mature theme.
THE FOREHEAD SHOUTOUT
Not recommended if, like me, you tend to accumulate extra oil on your protruding forehead. It’s usually a demonstration of love when a love interest has had too much garlic during dinner or forgot to brush the night before. You wanna show affection, but you’re not committed to the halitosis coming from their mouth yet. So the lover will find an alternative to lip-locking that is just as satisfying. Daytime K-drama employs this often in order to keep the kissing to a minimum while displaying some kind of intimacy.
THE TOO FAST, TOO THIRSTY
That’s when your significant other descends on you like a vulture and just assaults your lips. This is indicative of a bad case of male or female blue balls. The fiery lust that had been concentrated mainly in the groin area spreads through the whole body, causing the lover to pounce on your lips. It is usually accompanied by a lot of dry humping and hand exploring. Attacking a girl’s lips is a chaebol drama move. It’s meant as a display of manliness and passion.
Many lovers can only focus on one thing at a time, unfortunately. Therefore, they latch on to either the top or the bottom lip like their very existence depends on it, and then proceeds to suck you dry of moisture. These poor souls may not have had the opportunity to kiss anyone besides their forearms or their mother’s tits. So to avoid battered lips and blood vessel damage, it is recommended that you take charge and teach them how.
Kissing these lovers feels like a dozen baby chicks running amok on your face looking for food. They peck and prod fleetingly, forcing you to go on a merry chase for a bit of moisture. But all you want to is to just enjoy a long tongue-wrestling, saliva-swapping, toe-curling kiss. Again, you have to take charge by grabbing their heads and holding them in place, before swooping in and claiming the prize.
THE HUNGRY HIPPO
Some kissers have a different understanding of how big the lip area is. To you, it’s the area where lip balm is applied, but to them, it’s your whole face. So they proceed to swallow your entire face, leaving a five centimeter radius of saliva with you lips as the center. These passionate lovers can’t be stopped, so all you can do is suffer though the kiss and dig spit out of your nose later. Rain in “A Love To Kill” presented this technique in detail.
THE FAT DRAGON
Unfortunately for some people, they cannot hold their breath for more than 2 seconds. So when they kiss you, they cannot help but breathe hot, moist breath all over your face and sometimes up your nose. This turns the kiss into an exchange of carbon dioxide, with each deep breath sending the partner to hell. What can you do? Well, nothing really, c’est la vie!
THE PANTY DROPPER
It’s that type of kiss that doesn’t need any explanation. It’s a toe-curling, head-spinning, heart-stopping, “Can I have your babies” type of kiss.