[EXCLUSIVE] Interview With Kris’ Alpaca, Ace

20140517_theoneshots_ace alpaca_760

[dropcap2]I[/dropcap2]t has been a trying few days for EXO and their fandom. No one can tell truth from rumor and as a result, emotions are running high. We caught up with Ace, friend and stuffed alpaca to Kris, in an exclusive interview, and an attempt to find out what exactly is going down.

201405_theoneshots_AceTOS: I’m sorry, you can’t smoke in here.

Ace: Pft. I’m Ace, the motherfucking Alpaca. I do what I want.

TOS: Do you think things will work out between the EXO members?

Ace: Does it look like I have a crystal ball hidden in my pirate hat?

TOS: Let’s get real. Does SM beat EXO or not?

Ace: Not necessarily SM. Each person is beaten by another. I beat Suho. D.O. beats the crap out of Baekhyun. Luhan beats Xiumin, but ya’know, the way everyone thinks he beats him. Bam Chicka Wow Wow. Tao gets beaten up by everyone cause he is such a baby and Key beats everyone else.

TOS: That’s a lot of violence!

Ace: Nah, you haven’t seen anything until you’ve seen SNSD. You wonder why they call Jessica the ice queen. 

TOS: How do you deal with jetlag and all that travel?

Ace: It’s hard you know, always in a different time zone. That’s why I switched my clocks to GMT: Galactic Mystery
Time, it always tells you a randomn time to keep you constantly off balance.

TOS: What time is it now?

Ace: Time for a squeeze!

TOS: Are you serious?

Ace: Why? Is that weird? OK, next question.

TOS: In the hierarchy of stuffed animals, who reigns supreme in Kris’ heart?

Ace: . . . You’re SERIOUSLY going to ask me that after he carried my fat-ass through the airport?

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TOS: What is Kris’ real name? Like, really.

Ace: Dustin Beaver. Now you know why he changed it.

TOS: Can you shed some light onto Kris’ motives for wanting to leave SM?

Ace: What do I look like, a mind reader?

TOS: What was said the night Kris came home after filing the lawsuit? Were you aware that he was going to file one?

Ace: Can’t say. Client-Stuffed Animal privilege.

TOS: How do you feel about being left behind in Korea? Any plans to emigrate to China?

Ace: I was not left behind. There are legal issues at play here.

TOS: What kind of issues?

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Ace: Well, who will have physical custody of me of course.

TOS: Custody? Can you elaborate a little?

Ace: Well you didn’t hear it from me but… *whispering* it looks like Suho is heart-broken and doesn’t want to let me go.

TOS: Wow. As of today, what is your planetary status?

Ace: I have dual-citizenship in the Galaxy and EXOtics fandoms.

TOS: Is Kris ever coming back to get you? Do you feel betrayed?

Ace: I can see what you’re doing and it’s not working. You will not get me to bad mouth my best friend even though he drools on me at night.

TOS: Which rumors should fans believe?

Ace:  Kids shouldn’t waste time on rumors. Don’t they have exams to study for?

TOS: How would you rate yourself on the cuddly scale?

Ace: … Seriously? Are you blind? I am a big fucking fluffable deal. OK? I ain’t a scaly dragon.

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TOS: No, just-

Ace: You’re obviously delusional, if you’re going around asking dumb questions like that.

TOS: Do you take Kris’ Instagram pictures? Who is fan fan?

ACE: I am fan fan.

TOS: Is D.O. the little squishy nugget his noona fans seem to think he is, or is he really the offspring of Satan?

Ace: Ah, D.O. A man after my own heart. Do you know how annoying it is when people assume they can just glomp you because you’re adorable? Back off, people.

201405_theoneshots_EXO_Kris_ACE_2TOS: What are your thoughts on Kris’ airport fashion?

ACE: It was great! I picked out his clothes.

TOS: Are you color blind?

ACE: Yea and I can only see out my one eye. Why?

TOS: No reason. Was it Kris or Suho who bought you all your expensive outfits?

Ace: What’s with the line of questioning? Are you trying to make our relationship out to be more than it is? Suho is NOT my sugar-daddy.

TOS: How nice is Chen‘s Chooty, really?

Ace: -_- What does that have to do with Kris?

TOS: Just answer the question. We know you know.

Ace: Fine. It’s glorious. But no more Chooty questions.

TOS: OK then. Who is Lay’s weed guy?

Ace: What is with these questions? *finger snapping* Manager-nim, manager-nim. When is the next schedule?

TOS: I see the bong in the corner of your room.

Ace: That’s… that’s not min– OK, fine. Off the record, it’s me. I am Lay’s weed guy. I am also Jay Park, GD and Simon D‘s, but I only give Lay the good stuff.

201405_theoneshots_RammsteinTOS: We will talk later.

Ace: BTW, you guys said you were a pretty big K-pop blog…

TOS: Ummm *sweats nervously* Onto the next question – how would you rate Kris’ rapping skills?

Ace: Well, he’s no Minho, but I’d say if SM had trained him for another two years, he would have been SM’s rapping king.

TOS: Are the rumors of Kris possibly having a special interview with Oprah true?

Ace: Yup, totally. She’s flying to meet up with him in China next week at his new agency’s HQ.

TOS: Is EXO your bias group?

Ace: I’m not really into K-pop, to be honest. I’m more of a Rammstein fan. All that leather…

Got any questions for Ace? Ask them in the comments and he’ll answer.

  • Terri

    Wow. Ace is kinda blunt (I wonder does he roll them for Lay too?)

    Question for Ace: Was the KrisBer ship ever sailing, or were they just good friends?

  • sillyjilly

    Ace, what’s with the attitude? Are you always so defensive, or are you just angry at the situation?

    • Between me and you, I’m heartbroken. Right now I’m sitting on the dorm floor with 17 bottles of soju scattered around me

  • Ke Kiki

    Ace, and be honest with me, did SM instruct the cordinoonas to carry around 70 pounds of bb cream to be used on Kai and Tao? Also does Suho’s hand ever linger in the general direction of The Chooty?

    • No no no, that’s all wrong. SM instructed Tao to rub bb cream on Kai, not the cordinoonas. Kris hated that. I’ll let you come to your own conclusions about why.

      And what’s with the obsession with Chooty – I thought this was a Kris Q&A! (But the answer is yes, and you can tell by closely watching fancams)

  • La Shauna

    I am dying! <3

    • I have something to cure whatever your dying from. It’s purely medicinal. Well, that’s what I tell Lay at least.

      • Widney Meridien

        LMBO!

      • La Shauna

        LMAO! I’ve never had an Alpaca offer me “medicine” before, but there’s a first time for everything.

  • taikun

    Hey Ace, are you friendly with your fellow stuffed toys? Or you make slaves out of them like SNSD’s Jessica?

    • Who do you think taught Jessica all she knows?

  • Widney Meridien

    Hey Ace why are you so fly? Can you teach me how to get to your level of swag?

  • Caribes

    OMFG. I’M DYING!
    Aca is my new favorite stuffed animal.
    I LOVE RAMMSTEIN!
    Next time Rammstein comes to the U.S. I’ll pay for your ticket and airfare if you go with me to their concert! What do you say, Ace?

    • Are you paying for the alcohol too?

      • Caribes

        Of course!! I wish I could send you some good wine and vodka now to make you feel better. I’ll have a shot later tonight in kris’ name and pray he gets what he wants.

        • Take an extra shot, for me.

          • Caribes

            I’ll take two!

  • dcy

    Hahahahaha :))
    This is totally make my day.

    Hey, Ace! Does Kris smell good?

    • He smells like fried chicken. Fried. Chicken.

      • taikun

        Hey Ace, if Kris smells like fried chicken… then, has he figured out that Onew has murderous intents towards him?

  • JammySmoochie

    What a fxxking great interview. So many burning questions have been answered.

    Highlights of the interview for me:

    1. “Ace: What’s with the line of questioning? Are you trying to make our relationship out to be more than it is? Suho is NOT my sugar-daddy.” — LMAO, Ace, I want to cuddle you so hard, I could possibly damage you permanently.

    2. “Ace: . . . You’re SERIOUSLY going to ask me that after he carried my fat-ass through the airport?” — STAHP!!! I can’t…

    And 3. “Ace: BTW, you guys said you were a pretty big K-pop blog…

    TOS: Ummm *sweats nervously* Onto the next question – how would you rate Kris’ rapping skills?” — BWAHAHAHAHAHA, the self-shade. This is why this site rocks!

    My question for Ace: How do you maintain your milky white skin? Could you maybe do a tutorial on how to look like a Kpop stuffed animal superstar?

    • I steal from Luhan’s secret stash of Nature Republic cream. He hides it behind the aftershave he never uses.

      I can’t do a tutorial. I’m camera shy.

      • JammySmoochie

        You’re camera shy? You’re photos here say otherwise. #WeDemandAceAlpacaTutorialNow

        • I have paws for hands bro! It’s hard enough typing to you but now you want me to hold a camera!?

          • JammySmoochie

            Fair enough, Ace. Fair enough. Please do another interview with The One Shots once you’re sober enough (or my passive-aggressive way of saying: stop stealing Lay’s weed). Hwaiting!~~~

  • Xvanex

    lmao loved this!

  • dominikaq

    I would like to express my deep feelings towards Ace The Alpaca. You are my idol and truthfully, a great man, sorry, alpaca.

    My question for Ace: Do you consider yourself a candidate to take over SM or any other company? Or maybe you’re going to open you’re own entertainment agency? Are you preparing yourself to become a future CEO?

    • Your sweet talking me won’t work – I’m only into llamas. K-pop isn’t my thing but I would support a coup on SM, though. Only if Heechul were involved.

  • Momo

    Oh my. This is why I love y’all so much.

  • HayGurl

    It’s great to see some real talk from the stuffed idol world. Onew’s sidekick PINee was such a diva…

    Ace, what did you perform at your SM audition?

    • Audition? Please, I walked right into Lee Soo Man’s office and said, “I’ve arrived, where is my dorm?” Lee Soo Man is into that kind of thing.

      But if I had to audition I’d probably do Spice Girls’ “Spice Up Your Life.”

  • Hye0nJo

    Ace…where is papa Kris now? We miss him so much

  • Miss Marie

    Please give us more info about Xiuhan! I want juicy stuff 😉

    • Let’s just say there is juice involved.

  • Angela

    What will happen with Taoris now, Ace? I don’t want them to be apart….

  • Ace Wu

    Hahaha its really funny!