[dropcap2]I[/dropcap2]t has been a trying few days for EXO and their fandom. No one can tell truth from rumor and as a result, emotions are running high. We caught up with Ace, friend and stuffed alpaca to Kris, in an exclusive interview, and an attempt to find out what exactly is going down.
Ace: Pft. I’m Ace, the motherfucking Alpaca. I do what I want.
TOS: Do you think things will work out between the EXO members?
Ace: Does it look like I have a crystal ball hidden in my pirate hat?
TOS: Let’s get real. Does SM beat EXO or not?
Ace: Not necessarily SM. Each person is beaten by another. I beat Suho. D.O. beats the crap out of Baekhyun. Luhan beats Xiumin, but ya’know, the way everyone thinks he beats him. Bam Chicka Wow Wow. Tao gets beaten up by everyone cause he is such a baby and Key beats everyone else.
TOS: That’s a lot of violence!
Ace: Nah, you haven’t seen anything until you’ve seen SNSD. You wonder why they call Jessica the ice queen.
TOS: How do you deal with jetlag and all that travel?
Ace: It’s hard you know, always in a different time zone. That’s why I switched my clocks to GMT: Galactic Mystery
Time, it always tells you a randomn time to keep you constantly off balance.
TOS: What time is it now?
Ace: Time for a squeeze!
TOS: Are you serious?
Ace: Why? Is that weird? OK, next question.
TOS: In the hierarchy of stuffed animals, who reigns supreme in Kris’ heart?
Ace: . . . You’re SERIOUSLY going to ask me that after he carried my fat-ass through the airport?
TOS: What is Kris’ real name? Like, really.
Ace: Dustin Beaver. Now you know why he changed it.
TOS: Can you shed some light onto Kris’ motives for wanting to leave SM?
Ace: What do I look like, a mind reader?
TOS: What was said the night Kris came home after filing the lawsuit? Were you aware that he was going to file one?
Ace: Can’t say. Client-Stuffed Animal privilege.
TOS: How do you feel about being left behind in Korea? Any plans to emigrate to China?
Ace: I was not left behind. There are legal issues at play here.
TOS: What kind of issues?
Ace: Well, who will have physical custody of me of course.
TOS: Custody? Can you elaborate a little?
Ace: Well you didn’t hear it from me but… *whispering* it looks like Suho is heart-broken and doesn’t want to let me go.
TOS: Wow. As of today, what is your planetary status?
Ace: I have dual-citizenship in the Galaxy and EXOtics fandoms.
TOS: Is Kris ever coming back to get you? Do you feel betrayed?
Ace: I can see what you’re doing and it’s not working. You will not get me to bad mouth my best friend even though he drools on me at night.
TOS: Which rumors should fans believe?
Ace: Kids shouldn’t waste time on rumors. Don’t they have exams to study for?
TOS: How would you rate yourself on the cuddly scale?
Ace: … Seriously? Are you blind? I am a big fucking fluffable deal. OK? I ain’t a scaly dragon.
TOS: No, just-
Ace: You’re obviously delusional, if you’re going around asking dumb questions like that.
TOS: Do you take Kris’ Instagram pictures? Who is fan fan?
ACE: I am fan fan.
TOS: Is D.O. the little squishy nugget his noona fans seem to think he is, or is he really the offspring of Satan?
Ace: Ah, D.O. A man after my own heart. Do you know how annoying it is when people assume they can just glomp you because you’re adorable? Back off, people.
TOS: What are your thoughts on Kris’ airport fashion?
ACE: It was great! I picked out his clothes.
TOS: Are you color blind?
ACE: Yea and I can only see out my one eye. Why?
TOS: No reason. Was it Kris or Suho who bought you all your expensive outfits?
Ace: What’s with the line of questioning? Are you trying to make our relationship out to be more than it is? Suho is NOT my sugar-daddy.
TOS: How nice is Chen‘s Chooty, really?
Ace: -_- What does that have to do with Kris?
TOS: Just answer the question. We know you know.
Ace: Fine. It’s glorious. But no more Chooty questions.
TOS: OK then. Who is Lay’s weed guy?
Ace: What is with these questions? *finger snapping* Manager-nim, manager-nim. When is the next schedule?
TOS: I see the bong in the corner of your room.
Ace: That’s… that’s not min– OK, fine. Off the record, it’s me. I am Lay’s weed guy. I am also Jay Park, GD and Simon D‘s, but I only give Lay the good stuff.
Ace: BTW, you guys said you were a pretty big K-pop blog…
TOS: Ummm *sweats nervously* Onto the next question – how would you rate Kris’ rapping skills?
Ace: Well, he’s no Minho, but I’d say if SM had trained him for another two years, he would have been SM’s rapping king.
TOS: Are the rumors of Kris possibly having a special interview with Oprah true?
Ace: Yup, totally. She’s flying to meet up with him in China next week at his new agency’s HQ.
TOS: Is EXO your bias group?
Ace: I’m not really into K-pop, to be honest. I’m more of a Rammstein fan. All that leather…
Got any questions for Ace? Ask them in the comments and he’ll answer.