[Exclusive] Interview with Kris’ Alpaca, Ace: Part 2

20141206_theoneshots_ace alpaca2_760

This past May we got a chance to interview Kris’ alpaca Ace, right after the sudden departure of Kris from EXO. Now that the year is coming to an end and so many other scandals have troubled SM and specifically EXO, we somehow got Ace to come back for a 2nd interview.

20141201_theoneshots_acebluntTOS: I am sorry, but you still can’t smoke in here. What are you smoking anyway? That smell… is that…?!

Ace: This is medicinal; you have a problem with it? Go talk to my doctor. I’ve been through a lot of trauma this year.

TOS: Speaking of trauma, let’s talk about all that has happened since we last spoke. Have you spoken with Kris?

Ace: Yea, I speak to him on Skype a bunch, but Tao hogs the computer every time Kris is on, whining and crying in incoherent Chinese. No one knows what language that kid speaks.

TOS: Do the other members speak to Kris?

Ace: Right now only Tao does. Luhan used to, but well – now he is on the other end of the calls.

TOS: How is Luhan? What were the last few days like?

Ace: Eh, I saw it coming. I was in Luhan and Lay’s room after Kris abandoned me. Lay and I share the same doctor, so we were getting through this whole debacle just fine, but Luhan was a mess.

TOS: How did it all go down?

Ace: Luhan was sick and SM wasn’t finished with his clone so they couldn’t replace him on schedules. So they forced him to work. It wouldn’t have been so bad if Tao wasn’t crying so much and carrying on about his hyung.

Finally the other 10 members got together and decided to help Luhan escape. They all knew it was best for him. And it’d even out the team. Ya’know for choreography reasons. It was either that or have D.O. kill someone in their sleep.

TOS: REALLY?! The other members helped him escape?

Ace: Yea, it was crazy. They didn’t tell Tao, they left him home with Sehun and Kai. Mainly because Sehun and Kai have the attention span of a rock, and Tao is afraid of every little thing. The kid gets scared every time his alarm clock goes off.

20141201_theoneshots_AceSkypeTOS: What was the plan?

Ace: Let’s just say it involved a purple feather boa, Lay’s drug dealer, a pink roll of duct tape and some cranberry jelly.

TOS: …..

Ace: Yea exactly. No more questions about that, I am under strict secrecy.

TOS: How are Kris and Luhan these days?

Ace: Fine, Kris is pursuing his singing, against my advice. But I guess he got some training or something, because it sounded way better than it used to when he was in the shower. Luhan is starting a scarf line for his deer brethren. The tag line is “Deer get cold too.” They are in talks for a duo called LuDaKris, as rumored on line.

20141201_theoneshots_AceMemeTOS: Were you surprised about Jessica leaving SNSD?

Ace: Nah. She had one foot out when she first started that group. She is too fab for those pink loving puff pops. She and I used to go around smashing Oreo cookies and crumbling them in Baekhyun and Taeyeon’s beds. It was hilarious. They still haven’t found the culprit.

TOS: How are Baekyeon and Taeyeon?

Ace: ByunTae? Barf, no one really cares. They are super BORING! I have to tell you, with all the cool people dropping like flies, my life is getting dull.

TOS: Do you think you will leave too?

Ace: I don’t know, someone has to watch Tao and make sure Lay’s stash isn’t found. Maybe if those two jump ship, I will too. Although I don’t know how I will leave $uho a.k.a JunMoney.

TOS: Why?

20141201_theoneshots_1DAce: Who do you think pays for all mine and Lay’s weed?. That’s why Lay hasn’t left yet. JunMoney has Tao and Lay dependent on him so they won’t leave.

TOS: Do you think anyone else will leave SM or their groups?

Ace: That one girl group… What is their name? Ya’know the one SM doesn’t care about… f(x)! That’s it. Anyway, I think Krystal might split. Sulli has fallen off the face of the earth. Maybe people will care about them after the drama.

TOS: So what is next for you?

Ace: Me? Eh, I might start a management company for all the stuffed toys out there. We need representation too! These damn idols always flinging us around, and carrying us through crowds. We are the most common thing stolen by sasaengs. We have to protect ourselves!

TOS: Do you like EXO’s upcoming album?

Ace: Are you kidding me? I don’t listen to that crap! I’m a One Direction fan.

Ok, I am starving, I’m out. Deuces.

TOS: Um.. ok.. bye.

Do you have any questions for Ace? Ask below and we will pay convince him to answer.

  • JammySmoochie

    I was waiting for the return of Ace and he sure delivered. Fave Ace quote from this life-affirming interview: “She is too fab for those pink loving puff pops. She and I used to go around smashing Oreo cookies and crumbling them in Baekhyun and Taeyeon’s beds.” Ace and Jessica are my heroes, okay?

    Question to Ace: Don’t you have plans on teaming up again with Kris? Because I think he’s doing so much better now, breaking OST records, making movies like nobody’s business. You might be better off with him now. Plan your escape now, Ace!!!

    • Ace Alpaca

      Thanks. I am most people’s hero.

      Nah. I thought about it, but let’s be real, I’d out shine him. He is just getting started and if I come to China, it will be, “Kris who?” So Imma wait it out at SM, enjoy my free meals.

      • JammySmoochie

        Fair enough Ace. I kinda wish you’d release your solo album too now that SM flooding us with too many solos (not that I mind). I wanna hear you rap!!! Hopefully you feature Rap God Minho.

        • Ace Alpaca

          Who do you think taught Minho to rap! Just kidding, I don’t suck.

          • JammySmoochie

            SHOTS FIRED. Prepare yourself for Rap God Minho stans and disciples. You did not just shade the second-coming of Tupac! Repent!

  • Caribes

    Ace, I’m so disappointed. One Direction? Are you still high?

    • Ace Alpaca

      Um NO! Are you high? Have you seen Harry Styles hair? He is like a scrawny, tight pants’d god!

      • Caribes

        I’m judging you hardcore, Ace. I’m not a fan of tight and scrawny tbh. I like leather but I like my gods with some meat and muscle.

        • Ace Alpaca

          Hmmm. Then have you gotten your ticket to my gun show?

          • Caribes

            If you give me a free ticket I will likely go.

  • HayGurl

    Ace, it seems like everyone and their stuffed animal can get a solo debut in SM these days. Are you next?

    • Ace Alpaca

      Hell no! I never signed a contract with those slave drivers! I am, what we in the biz like to call, a free agent. Plus I’m in talks with AOMG at the moment. Or I’ll just start my own agency.

  • Ace, is it true that SM is trying to force you and Lay into rehab, lest the drug sniffing dogs are set on SM like they were YG?

    • Ace Alpaca

      Nah, SM has no idea about mine and Lay’s medicinal needs. Plus we got a system that is fool proof.

  • Vivala Neka

    Ace, what about your love life? Are you seeing anyone special? In company, perhaps?

    • Ace Alpaca

      These SM girls keep throwing themselves at me and it’s like, “Just No.” I like more meat on my women. I have this on again off again thing with Onew’s pineapple bag, Pinee, but it’s complicated.

  • Ke Kiki

    I’m glad you’re still here Ace!

    My question: you mentioned the alternate plan was D.O. killing someone. Who was first on his list? Also…. how is the Chooty doing? Haven’t seen it around lately and I’m concerned/thirsty.

    • Ace Alpaca

      We honestly didn’t have a specific person in mind. I totes voted for Tao. His constant whining is killing my vive. We were going to just going to get D.O drunk and let his alter ego decide.

      Ah the Chooty. The one good thing about living in this damn place – I mean – that’s what others say. Anyway, I hear from others that the Chooty is chootiful. Of course that is from others, not from me.