A Thirsty Fan’s Guide to BTS

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Editor’s note: This story is part of a week-long series The One Shots is doing on BTS. Each day, we’ll bring you a new feature focused on, what some would call, the DOPEst group in K-pop. First things first: get to know each of the members, in our Thirsty Fan’s Guide to BTS.

The boys of BTS are fire. Though you may have heard their music, how much do you truly know about them? Like a true fan, have you done your research? Do you know the exact time of their births, their school tracks, their favorite teachers? Do you know their shoe sizes, or the color of their favorite underwear? You don’t? Well don’t fret, we have you covered with our ultimate BTS member profile. It will tell you all the necessary knowledge a true thirsty BTS fan should know.

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JEON JUNG KOOK: AKA GOLDMAK

  • The first maknae who eyefucked us while juggling two hats.
  • His intense stare will give your crotch a headache.
  • Spent most of his time in the center, hip trusting his way up our bias list.
  • Undisputed King of the Bulgiest Idol Eggplant.
  • Most bomb dancer, who because of him Noonas’ sleep evaded…and he ain’t sorry
  • Biggest noona bait/thirst trap since the beginning of K-pop.
  • Looks like he should be older…but he ain’t.

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KIM TAE HYUNG: AKA DIVA V, AKA MONG TAE

  • Maknae spot usurper.
  • Wears pink hair better than you.
  • Will play you like a saxophone.
  • Always in Formation…’cause he slay

  • Has a thing for toys…may be the owner of a blowup doll.
  • Makes fans sweat bullets with his wicked tongue trusting habits.
  • Wants to fertilize your eggs in 10 years.

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PARK JIMIN: AKA DOOLY

  • Sexiest satoori you have ever heard
  • Charm bomb.
  • Ass Ass Ass Ass Ass Ass.
  • Doesn’t sleep much. Soooo…more time for hanky panky.
  • Unbeatable King of the body wave

  • #SWAG.
  • But you practically need to be a dwarf to date him, because he wants someone shorter than him.
  • Did we mention his derriere? Yeah, it’s quite impressive.
  • He has no jams.

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JUNG HO SEOK: AKA J-HOPE, AKA KING WANG ZZANG

  • *poking his cheeks* What are those?
  • Strongest cheekbones in the game.
  • He’s the water to Rap Mon’s fire… We don’t know what that’s supposed to mean, but we’re gonna make it sexual.
  • Petty Loser

  • Senior Undersecretary of the Derp Face.
  • Thinks he’s a God or a king. So definitely the dominant type, right?! A girl can dream.
  • His street dance team name was Neuron. So we know he will give you brain. #Dab
  • Was knighted by the one and only K-pop’s reigning Queen Jo Kwon. #BowDown

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MIN YOONGI: AKA SUGA

  • Crushing hard on Jin like the rest of us.
  • Enjoys lazy days in bed, annnd…we will let your mind take you places it shouldn’t.
  • But he doesn’t like to sweat or be tired.
  • Noonas with bad backs are out of luck.
  • Dangerous Man

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KIM SEOK JIN: JIN AKA THE HONEY, AKA THE PRINCESS

  • Can’t keep his pants on.
  • Really into role-playing, so bring your Disney princess costumes (I hope Tiana in her frog form counts, ’cause that’s all we can afford. #StudentLoans #WeMayBeTooOldForThatShit).
  • Would sex you, feed you, and clean your room.
  • Would also put you through work work work work work. After all his show is called “Eat Jin.” *wink wink*
  • Would like you to know he has a big mouth. #JustImagine
  • He’s half blind, but too insecure to wear his glasses. So you’ll have to lay a yellow brick road to your hot pocket.

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KIM NAMJOON: AKA RAP MONSTER, AKA GOD OF DESTRUCTION

  • Master rapper.
  • B-Free wishes he could be him…but he can’t.
  • Shaded every rapper in the K-pop game.
  • Your rapper bias can’t rap like him.
  • Excellent songwriter.
  • G-Dragon low-key wishes he could write songs like him.
  • Put respek on his name for killing it these past two years.
  • Inventor of the face dancing movement

  • Sarah Lacy

    This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve read in awhile and it’s awesome lmao

  • But where are the lies?!