“Hold Up! What Did You Just Sing?”: The 5 Worst K-Pop Boyfriends
I don’t know about you, but when I listen to a song, I like to visualize myself in it. As cliché as that may sound, I feel like the best way for me to understand the song and the artist’s true feelings is to be utterly immersed in the emotions the singer tries to evoke in me. Therefore, for the 3-5 minutes the song is playing, I become the perfect girl that Taeyang has been looking for in his “I Need a Girl”, or the nappeun yeoja (Korean for mean, bad woman) that the 2AM boys cannot seem to stop crooning about. And if you’re anything like me, you don’t just want to listen to the melody or shake your booty to the beat. You want to make sure that they’re not telling you to shake your money maker like some kind of Jezebel in some dirty brothel, like certain American rappers often do. I mean, I would still listen to the song and shake my derriere regardless, but I would like to know that Big Bang‘s “Lollipop 2” is not just a song about a kid going crazy for a candy. Well, that is, depending on your definition of candy. Yeah it took me a while to make the relationship between candy and the “here I come, here I come” words that GD was moaning at the end of his rap. Imagine me, sitting there, thinking, “Ew candy makes you come? What do you do with that candy dude?” Traumatizing, right?
This is why I like to take my time to either go online or grab a Korean friend and translate the songs to avoid such confusion. Plus, a translated song provides a better grasp of certain emotions hidden in the song as well as certain nuances that we as international fans don’t quite catch due to the language barrier. I mean, I’m down with listening to the boys from BEAST telling me how “every day I shock, every night I shock,” but I actually want to know what kind of girl would shock them so bad. The downside of fully understanding what the Korean artists are singing about though is that there are certain things that I just cannot fully accept. The matter of certain boyfriends in K-Pop, for example, is one that always leaves me perplexed, if not frustrated at times.
Let’s take a look at Teen Top’s “Be Ma Girl,” for instance. I love the boys, I love the song, I love the beat, but I don’t like the boyfriend that is portrayed in the song. Have you ever tried to date a boyfriend who is rich with words and grand gestures but destitute of Benjamins? Well let me tell you, it’s not as thrilling, colorful or fun as the video leads you to believe. Take it from an unnie that’s been there and done that and never wants to go back. Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it sure as hell can buy some really nice things that can make one happy. Regardless of my materialistic thoughts, the point is is that a lack of money can impede romance. However, Teen Top is not the only group guilty of making a girl pine after what appears to be a good boyfriend candidate, but in reality would probably make the worst boyfriend. Here’s a list of some of my favorite offenders.
1. 2PM in “Back 2 U” – The Cheater
I lie again today, holding another girl
I pretend not to know, even though I know you’re crying after you hang up the phone
When you have six well-endowed in every category, super yummy males singing to a very lonely horny fan such as moi about how they want to come “back back to you” in their cleverly written “Back 2 U” song, you feel like JYP finally read your comments on the major K-Pop forums and decided to write the anthem you’ve been waiting for for so long. If the fact that Wooyoung and Jun.K are now half naked on your computer screen isn’t enough, they’re now also telling you that they want to come to you. As a fan, what more could you ask for? Well maybe having Junho gyrating in my bedroom would not be a bad idea. However, the point is, I was so elated every time I heard that song. At least until somebody did me the great disservice of posting the translated lyrics on YouTube. Wait, so Taec, were you really cheating on me with that Jessica girl…like for realz? *sigh* Well just this once, I guess it’s okay because the boys made cheating look smexy. The choreography was so dope, and the baby-making moves were so heavily incorporated in it that at some point, I felt like as long as they kept twirling their hips in that hypnotic way, they can cheat on me with whomever they want.
What am I thinking? Cheating is never acceptable. You may have the most refined abs and the sexiest tushie in the world, but being a cheater makes you the #1 worst boyfriend. Why? Because not only can cheating ruin the best relationship you will ever have, but it will crush a girl’s pride and self-esteem in the process. That is the worst thing you could do to a person. Plus, how could a total jerk who admitted his cheating ways even think of wanting to come back to me? Pretty boy, I’m gonna let you sing your little song, but then it’s packing time for you. To the garbage, to the garbage, because everything you own is in a box in the garbage. Better luck next time though, and I hope those hips stay well-oiled. Deuces!
2. 2AM in “You Wouldn’t Answer My Calls” – The Stalker
Even though I know how much you hate it, I can’t do anything but this
In front of your door, just idly waiting
This one is a dilemma. Yes, we girls want our boyfriends to think about us on a regular basis and call regularly to check up on us. We do want you to buy us flowers and send us little text messages that tell us how much you love us. I won’t deny that we like to play games and go hot and then cold without warning because we like to believe, and we’ve been taught to at a very young age, that it is how one is supposed to keep a man interested and on his toes. But do we want you to call us every five minutes to ask who we’re with or where we’ve been? Nope, not really. There is a fine, sometimes almost invisible, line between love and obsession that some people forget is there but best believe it’s there. Yes, girls are difficult to read, and sometimes “I’m fine” means “I will turn cray cray on you with such quickness that you’re gonna wish you never made eye contact with that girl,” but cross the line at your own peril. Sure 2AM can serenade me about waiting in front of my door a billion times to talk to me, but when you do it, you’re getting pepper sprayed and handed a restraining order.
3. G-Dragon in “Heartbreaker” – The Whiner
Only you caused a broken body, dead dreams, lost heart
If it’s for you, this one body will fly, will rush to where you’re at
However you say goodbye and goodbye to me
I said what’s the reason you don’t want me
Here’s the thing. Sometimes a girl messes up. She gets a boyfriend that adores her and would do anything for her, but she still somehow ends up breaking his heart. It’s not like she meant to do it, but ish happens along the way (like Taeyang wearing a suit, or doing the cooking dance.) I get it. You’re hurt, and apparently we’ve caused you some major emotional damage. I’m a heartbreaker. But do you have to write a song and let the whole world know about it? Be a man, and suck it up! You wonder why I don’t want you? Well maybe because you’ve broadcasted to the entire world that I am a total cold hearted bitch. Way to ruin my swag. Thanks buddy!
4. Rain in “Rainism” – The Cocky One
I’m gonna be a bad boy
Inside of my spinning body broadcasting my magic stick
I make it rainism
Boy do I love this song! But Rain’s sexiness aside, nothing screams confidence and lustful thoughts more than a song about a man that is inviting you to enjoy his “magic stick.” Girl, he is blatantly telling you he will go Harry Potter on you in between the sheets! He got some wizardry in his hips that will make you go wingardium leviosaaaaa! Like abracadabra, here comes the big “General O.” The first time I heard that song, I was ready to sign my life away for the magic stick. Then my friend cleverly pointed out, “빈 수레가 요란하다.” It is indeed the empty carts that rattle the loudest. When somebody brags about their magic stick, you cannot help but put that person on a pedestal. In your head, he automatically becomes some kind of Lord of the Dance of Sex or something. However, what are the odds right? So if a dude starts talking about how he got the moves that will put all other moves to shame, he better bring his A-game or I’m karate chopping some ass. You cannot put my expectations way up and leave me hanging like that. No sir! You at least better start doing some horizontal chest pumps because a girl will not buy sexy lingerie for nothing.
5. Teen Top in “No More Perfume On You” – The Noona Killers
When I’m with Noona, I feel like I’ve become a man
Don’t use perfume
My girlfriend might find out
If you really like me, don’t say anything
On one hand, you have the adorable and notorious noona chasers SHINee singing songs like “Hello” and playing the role of those shy, young boys in their late teens oh-so-perfectly, especially that clumsy Onew. The song is fresh and fun, which is exactly how one feels when going through the wonderful experience of a first love. It brings up such sweet nostalgia. But what happens when these younger guys get out of hand, like in Teen Top’s “No More Perfume On You.” See, this song here is a real gem. The beat is addictive, and the protagonist of the video is Chunji (this boy *phew* yum!). But the content is so controversial and wrong on so many levels that one does not know how to begin. Let’s put aside the fact that the song is talking about willful cheating and go straight to how dirty it makes me feel as a noona. It’s a known fact that certain boys like to date older women for a variety of reasons, but one of the main reasons is to show off. I call them boys because if you need to date an older woman to feel sophisticated and worldly than you’re still a boy. Being with Noona makes you feel like man, you say? Ha! And how dare you, with your skinny legs and your breath still smelling like milk, tell me to not wear perfume because your little girlfriend might bust your cheating ass! *Breath* I’m gonna close my eyes and give you a 10-second head start, enough time for me to take my pumps off and for you to start running to your mama before I shake the cute out of you. (Pedonoona not happy!)